For years, I grappled with anxiety in relationships, a revelation that might surprise you considering my profession as a hypnotherapist. However, this is one of the reasons I can spot anxiety in relationships a mile off when working with my clients.

Ironically, I initially failed to identify the problem as anxiety in relationships. By nature, I’ve always been someone you’d describe as confident. I ventured solo across the globe at 21, brimming with wanderlust and armed with nothing but a Lonely Planet guide and hopeful optimism. In my corporate HR career, I fearlessly voiced my opinions, even earning admiration from Sir Richard Branson himself during a chance encounter in Shanghai where he raised his hand and said ‘I love you already‘ (more on that story another time!). And when the time came to pivot to hypnotherapy and set up my own business at 33, I fearlessly embraced the unknowns of entrepreneurship.

Yet, my romantic relationships painted a different picture—a confounding maze of anxiety manifesting in various forms. It’s taken many years of self-reflection and deep inner work, but finally, I understood what was at the heart of the anxiety in my relationships.

In my early twenties, I embarked on a long-term relationship filled with love and camaraderie. As we cohabited and mapped out plans to migrate to Australia together, my heart brimmed with anticipation. However, as time elapsed, our shared dream remained elusive. Despite his assurances, the timing never seemed right to apply for my visa, leaving me feeling powerless in the relationship dynamic. As the relationship continued to erode over time, I knew deep down (really deep down!) that I should walk away. The spark had gone out and while I loved him, I was no longer in love with him. But despite all this, I continued hanging on in there. Why? Fear.

Fear of loneliness, fear I wouldn’t meet anyone else, fear of making regrettable choices, and fear of relinquishing my dream of Australian residency held me captive for two more years. Even a marriage proposal failed to quell the nagging doubts. Eventually, I found the courage to walk away, bidding farewell to a chapter fraught with uncertainty and anxiety.

I’ve worked with lots of women who have shared how they also stayed holding onto relationships and marriages that were well past their sell-by date because of similar fears.

“The Heart wants what it wants – or else it does not care” ― Emily Dickinson

While our hearts often know the path to true fulfilment, our egos can be formidable adversaries, sabotaging our journey with fear-driven tactics. Operating solely from a place of fear and separation, the ego cunningly persuades us to relinquish our power. Lacking any understanding of love, its primary objective is to maintain the status quo, steering us away from following our heart, intuition, and inner wisdom.

Following that tumultuous relationship, I found myself trapped in a cycle of dating emotionally unavailable men, each encounter exacerbating my insecurities and intensifying my urge to control the dynamic. As they blew hot and cold, I responded by intensifying my efforts to assert my worth. Intriguingly, my inner work helped me to see that when presented with emotionally available partners who cherished me, I felt disinterested!

Despite my vows to break the cycle, I found myself reverting to familiar habitual patterns with each new relationship.

How to Stop Anxiety in Relationships

The saying ‘we teach that which we most need to learn ourselves‘ isn’t lost on me. As I embarked on my path as a hypnotherapist and coach, I found myself drawn to exploring my own inner landscape. Despite having dipped into books like The Celestine Prophecy and even indulged in a few tarot readings, I had never truly turned the lens inward.

I began to recognise that the anxiety permeating my relationships and the recurring pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable partners were not mere coincidences but reflections of my own inner workings.

Indeed, I was the architect of my reality!

The pivotal key to stopping anxiety in relationships lies in cultivating awareness. In my practice, I guide clients through this process by holding up a mirror to illuminate their behavioural patterns. It’s only through this newfound awareness that transformation becomes possible.

“MY MIND HAS OPENED UP TO SOMETHING I HAD BEEN BLIND TO BEFORE WE MET LAST WEEK”

Witnessing the “aha” moments in my client’s journeys is truly gratifying—the spark of realisation igniting profound inner healing.

I wish I could say that to stop anxiety in relationships you only have to do this one thing, but alas, it’s a journey of peeling back the layers. Similar to unravelling the intricate layers of an onion, each delicate peel unveils deeper truths that can be examined and transformed.

Through my own journey of introspection, I delved into my insecurities, attachment patterns, self-beliefs, and the essence of my presence in relationships. This profound healing expedition ultimately led me to the core realisation— the importance of truly valuing myself.

Our relationships mirror our inner beliefs about ourselves. It’s not merely about finding love externally but recognising the immense value we hold within. The key to overcoming relationship anxiety lies in valuing who you are.

Ready to break free from the grip of relationship anxiety? Join me on a journey of self-discovery and healing. Cultivate awareness, unravel the layers, and embrace profound transformation. Book your consultation now and embark on the path to genuine self-empowerment and lasting fulfilment in love. Let’s peel back the layers together.

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Sara Maude

Sara Maude is an Edinburgh Hypnotherapist, Solution-Focused Psychotherapist, EFT Practitioner, Transformational Coach and International Wellbeing Trainer providing in-person and online sessions. Sara provides problem-free therapy which goes deep into the heart of the unconscious mind to create powerful lasting change.